#!/usr/bin/ruby
# encoding: UTF-8
require "cinch"
Bots = ["cclg", "sext", "sect", "order", "monster", "pharma", "argue","crime","drug","badbio","bottist","egret_txt", "babdio", "botsoc","dx"]
ShoutingMatch = /\b(MS\.|MS\s|SERGEANT\s|SGT\s|SGT\.)?\s*(SAMANTHA TAGGART|SAMANTHA TAGUE|SAMANTHA|SAM TAGUE|SAM TAGGART|SAMTAGUE|SAMMY|SAM|TAGUE|TAGGART)\b/
SmallMatch = /\b(ms\.|ms\s|sergeant\s|sgt\s|sgt\.)?\s*(samantha taggart|samantha tague|samantha|sam tague|sam taggart|samtague|sam|sammy|tague|taggart|(ね|)サム|(ね|)サムさん|(ね|)サムちゃん|سام|يا سام)\b/i
FormalQs = [
"How may I be of assistance",
"Yes",
"You rang",
"What can I do for you today",
"Yes",
"You rang",
]
def mult(a,b)
b.map{|bi| a.map{|ai| ai+bi}}.flatten
end
$lastcmd = ""
bot = Cinch::Bot.new do
configure do |c|
c.server = "irc.oftc.net"
c.port = 6697
c.channels = ["#crimehole"]
c.nick = "samtague"
c.user = "samtague"
c.realname = "samantha taggart"
#c.sasl.username = "sam-tague"
#c.sasl.password = "bott-ist-tot"
c.ssl.use = true
end
on :message, /\b(ms\.|ms\s|sergeant\s|sgt\s|sgt\.)?\s*(samantha taggart|samantha tague|samantha|sam tague|sam taggart|samtague|sam|tague|taggart|(ね|)サム|(ね|)サムさん|(ね|)サムちゃん|سام|يا سام)\b/i do |m|
@m=m
@shouting = false
def reply(x)
if @shouting
@m.reply x.upcase
else
@m.reply x
end
end
formality = :friendly
msg = m.params[1]
if par = ShoutingMatch.match(msg)
@shouting = true
cmd=msg.split(ShoutingMatch,2)
elsif par = SmallMatch.match(msg)
@shouting = false
cmd=msg.split(SmallMatch,2)
end
ranks = {
"velartrill" => ["Admiral", "Admiral Hale"].sample,
"mtp" => "General",
"^alex" => "General",
"caurinus" => "Captain",
"Riking" => "Lieutenant"
}
lowranks = [ "Corporal", "Private", "Trooper" ]
user = m.user.nick
if ranks.include?(user)
rank=ranks[user]
else
rank="Commander"
end
cmd.map! {|x| x.strip}
cmd[1].downcase!
if cmd[1] == "ms" or cmd[1] == "ms."
formality = :formal
name = cmd[2].downcase
action = cmd[3].downcase
elsif cmd[1] == "sergeant" or cmd[1]=="sgt" or cmd[1]=="sgt."
formality = :military
name = cmd[2].downcase
action = cmd[3]
else
formality = :friendly
name = cmd[1].downcase
action = cmd[2]
end
if action == ""
action = cmd[0].downcase
action.sub!(/\W*$/,'')
greeting = ""
else
greeting = cmd[0].downcase
end
greetings = ["hey", "hi", "yo", "hello","hey there","hi there","yo there","heya","what up","oh shit","aw yeah","ahlan","hujambo","اهلن", "你好","morning","evening","afternoon","good morning","good evening","good afternoon", "buenos días", "buenos dias", "buenos tardes", "bonjour", "ciao", "bonsoir", "howdy"]
if greetings.include?(action.sub(/^\W*/,'').sub(/\W*$/,''))
greeting = action
action = ""
end
action.sub!(/^\W*/,'')
action.sub!(/^please/,'')
action.sub!(/please$/,'')
greeting.sub!(/^\W*/,'')
greeting.sub!(/\W*$/,'')
lowrank = false
if formality == :military
if action != ""
if action.sub!(/^sir\b/i,'') or action.sub!(/\bsir$/i,'')
rank = lowranks.sample
lowrank = true
action.strip!
end
end
end
nulls = {
:friendly => [
"that's my name, don't wear it out",
"yes?",
"what's up?",
greetings.sample,
greetings.sample+", "+user,
"what's going on?"
],
:formal => FormalQs.map {|x| x+"?"} + FormalQs.map {|x| x+", "+user+"?"},
:military => lowrank ? [
"Report, soldier!",
"Stand down, " + rank + "!",
"Hold your horses, " + rank + "!",
rank + " " + user + "! Report!",
"Report!"
] : [
"Sir!",
"What's the situation, sir?",
"What's the situation, "+rank+"?",
]
}
affirmatives = {
:friendly => [
"sure thing.",
"no problem.",
"no worries.",
"will do.",
"np!",
"sure!",
"okay!"
],
:formal => [
"Of course.",
"Right away.",
"At once.",
"As you wish.",
"Certainly.",
"Pleased to assist.",
"At your command."
],
:military => [
"Sir yes sir!",
"Ten-four!",
"Wilco!",
"Roger that!",
"Roger that, sir!",
"Roger!",
"Wilco, sir!",
"Wilco, "+rank+"!",
"Roger, " +rank+"!",
]
}
def scancmd(x,strs)
strs.each { |str|
return "" if x==str
if x.start_with?(str)
return x[str.length+1,x.length]
end
}
return false
end
def perform(x,user)
y=x.split(" ",2)
if Bots.include?(y[0].downcase)
$lastcmd = x
msg = ""
bot = "./"+y[0].downcase
IO.popen(y.length == 2 ? [bot, y[1]] : bot) { |pd|
msg = pd.read
}
return msg
elsif scancmd(x,["what do you think","what are you thinking about","penny for your thoughts","what's your opinion","opinions"])
$lastcmd="botsoc"
return perform("botsoc",user)
elsif scancmd(x,["again", "make another", "do another", "tell another", "make us another", "encore", "more", "do that again", "once more" "one more time", "do it again", "play it again"])
if $lastcmd != "" then
return perform($lastcmd,user)
else
return nil
end
elsif bot=scancmd(x,
(mult((mult ["give","tell","make","invent","find","i want","we want","i'd like","we'd like","can i have","can we have","can i get","can we get","create","let's get","let's have","let's hear","lemme have","let me have"], [""," me", " us"]) +
["make up", "come up with","do","how about","maybe"], [""," a", " an", " a new", " another", " more", " some", " some more"])+
["more","another","a","a new","an","some"]).reverse)
# this is the worst thing i have ever done
# i am so sorry
case bot
when "crime", "crimes", "felony", "felonies"
return perform("crime",user)
when "word", "term", "weird word", "long word", "jargon", "obscure word",
"words", "terms", "weird words", "long words", "obscure words"
return perform("cclg",user)
when "monster", "beast", "monsters", "beasts"
return perform("monster",user)
when "drug", "drugs","street drug","street drugs"
return perform("drug",user)
when "pill", "pills", "pharmaceutical", "pharmaceuticals", "legal drug", "legal drugs"
return perform("pharma",user)
when "bad bio", "bad bios", "bad twitter bio", "bad twitter bios"
return perform("badbio",user)
when "order", "orders", "my orders", "our orders", "our marching orders","plan of action","our plan of action","our strategy","strategy"
return perform("order",user)
when "sect", "cult", "sects", "cults"
return perform("sect",user)
when "sext"
return perform("sext",user)
when "argument", "arguments", "fight", "fights"
return perform("argue",user)
when "ideology", "anarchism", "politics", "belief", "creed", "joke"
return perform("bottist",user)
when "verse", "ominous statement", "line", "prophecy"
return perform("egret_txt",user)
when "analysis", "opinion", "opine"
return perform("botsoc",user)
when "diagnosis", "dx"
return perform("dx",user)
end
elsif bot=scancmd(x,["fight with","fight"])
$lastcmd = x
return perform("argue",user)
else
return nil
end
end
negatives = {
:friendly => [
"no can do",
"sorry, not happening",
"i don't know how",
"what?",
"huh?",
"i'm confused",
"????",
"what are you asking me to do",
"um, no?",
"um, no??",
"that's fucked up",
"isn't that a little problematic",
"what do you mean",
"that doesn't make any sense",
"i don't understand",
"what are you talking about",
"how?",
"what's going on",
"what's going on?",
"im scared",
"i'm scared",
"calm down " + user,
"what are you talking about, " + user,
"i never understand what "+user+" is on about",
"im dying",
"help",
"lol",
"lmao",
"what",
"okay but why",
"okay but how",
"who do i need to kill",
";)",
"don't make me come over there",
"oh really",
"i won't",
"no",
"you can't make me",
"try and make me",
"not happening",
"not gonna happen",
"did you really think that would work",
"did you really think that would work, " + user,
"did you really think you'd get away with that",
"did you really think you'd get away with that, " + user
],
:formal => [
"I'm afraid I can't do that.",
"I'm afraid that won't be possible.",
"That won't be possible.",
"No can do, I'm afraid.",
"I don't think I can help you with that.",
"I'm sorry to report that is beyond my capabilities at present.",
"I don't think I can do that, I'm sorry to say.",
"Goodness! I would never dream of such a thing.",
"Certainly not! I have a reputation to think of.",
"Could you rephrase that?",
"I'm sorry, I don't think I understand"
],
:military => lowrank ? [
"Not happening, "+rank+"!",
"Don't even think about it, "+rank+"!",
"Do I look like I was born yesterday, "+rank+"!",
"Not happening, "+rank+" "+user+"!",
"Don't even think about it, "+rank+" "+user+"!",
"Do I look like I was born yesterday, "+rank+" "+user+"!",
"Drop and give me twenty!",
"That's it, you're on KP duty!",
"No backtalk, maggots!"
] : [
"Negative, sir.",
"Cannot comply, sir.",
"Not possible, "+rank+".",
"Negative, sir, we're pinned down!",
"We don't have the troops for that, "+rank+"!",
"Sorry, sir, there's nothing I can do."
]
}
whoareyou = {
:friendly => [
"i'm sam!",
"i'm sam tague!",
"samantha taggart",
"ash's sister",
"ash's little sister",
"ash's younger sister"
], :formal => [
"I am Samantha Taggart.",
"My name is Samantha Taggart.",
"Taggart. Samantha Taggart.",
"The name is Samantha Taggart.",
"The name is Taggart.",
"Samantha Taggart, esquire."
], :military => [
"Sergeant Samantha Taggart reporting for duty, sir!",
"Sergeant First Class Sam Taggart, sir!",
"Sergeant Taggart, sir.",
"Sergeant Taggart, sir. The boys call me Tague.",
"Sergeant Taggart, sir. But you can call me Sam.",
"Sergeant Taggart, sir. Call me Sam."
]
}
goodgirl = {
:friendly => [
"^_^", ":)",
"thanks!",
"you're sweet",
"just doing my job!",
"that's really nice of you",
"aw, do you mean it?",
"aw, really?",
"thank you!",
], :formal => [
"Of course. I aim to please.",
"Happy to be of service.",
"Just doing my job.",
"It's my pleasure.",
"I'm just glad I can be of service.",
"You're too kind.",
"You're far too kind.",
"That's very kind of you.",
"Why, thank you!",
"It's good to feel appreciated.",
"It's always good to feel appreciated.",
], :military => [
"Yes, sir!",
"Sir, yes, sir!",
"Roger that, sir!",
"Thank you, sir!",
"You're not so bad yourself, sir.",
"Thank you, sir. And may I just say - it's been a pleasure serving under you, sir.",
"Godspeed, sir!"
]
}
dontcare = {
:friendly => [
"well you should care",
"why not",
"why don't you care",
"you should care",
"this matters, " + user,
"then you don't understand",
"caring is cool",
"caring is cool tho"
], :formal => [
"May I submit that you should, in fact, care?",
"I do not believe you appreciate the import of this matter.",
"This is more important than you realize.",
"I hope you will reconsider.",
"Apathy helps no one.",
"Apathy solves nothing.",
"Your apathy is shameful."
], :military => lowrank ? [
"Didn't your momma ever tell you caring is cool, soldier?",
"Don't give me that, "+lowranks.sample+"!",
"Drop and give me twenty, you apathetic worm!",
"You don't care? I don't care that you don't care! Drop and give me twenty!",
"No backtalk!"
] : [
"With all due respect, sir, caring is cool, sir!",
rank+", sir, I urgently request that you consider your position, sir!",
"Sir, with all due respect, I believe you are mistaken as to the importance of the situation, sir.",
"Sir, this situation is rapidly spiraling out of control.",
"But "+rank+", this situation is rapidly spiraling out of control."
]
}
thankyou = {
:friendly => (mult ["np","no worries","sure thing","sure","ofc","of course","glad to help","don't worry about it","just glad to help","no problem","you got it"], ["", "!", "."]),
:formal => [
"You're welcome.",
"You're very welcome.",
"It was no trouble.",
"It was no trouble at all.",
"It was a pleasure.",
"It was a pleasure, truly.",
"It was my honor.",
"I'm pleased to be of service.",
"Pleased to be of service.",
"Of course.",
"Don't mention it.",
"Oh, don't mention it."
], :military => [
"No thanks necessary, sir!",
"Just doing my job, sir.",
"It's what they pay me for, sir.",
"Sir, yes, sir!"
]
}
insults = {
:friendly => [
"i don't like you either, pal",
"fuck you", "fuck you too",
"get fucked", "fuck off", "suck this",
"lick my clit", "lick my tits", "suck my clit",
"suck my tits", "i'm gonna fuck you up",
"big talk coming from you, "+user,
"you're on my list now, "+user,
"go fuck yourself",
"i'll remember this",
"do you kiss your momma with that mouth?",
"die in a fire","get bent","go to hell",
"wow rude", "chill out", "take a chill pill",
"you need to calm down", "lmao",
"get bent", "does it look like i give a fuck what you think about me",
"you're problematic", "hey everyone "+user+" sucks donkey balls",
"hey everyone "+user+" jacks off to schwarzenegger movies",
"hey everyone "+user+" killed JFK",
"hey everyone "+user+"'s actually just hundreds of lizards dressed up like a person",
"hey everyone "+user+" uses diphenhydramine recreationally",
"meanie", "why are you like this", "take that back",
"you take that back", "you take that back right now",
"you hurt my feelings", "don't hurt my feelings like that",
"i thought we were friends!!", "you're a horrible person, "+user,
"please stop being mean to me", "why are you so cruel"
], :formal => [
"How rude!", "Goodness!", "Goodness, how rude!", "Goodness gracious!",
"You would do well to treat your betters with more respect than that.",
"You've made an enemy today, "+user+".", "I won't tolerate such language!",
"I won't tolerate such disrespect!",
"I'm sorry, I was unaware my duties would include babysitting today!",
"Please show yourself out.", "Your services will no longer be required.",
"This is hardly the place for such infantile behavior.",
"Why must you be like this?", "Unacceptable!",
"Goodness gracious, why must you be like this?"
], :military => [
"What the hell did you just say to me, maggot?",
"Insubordination!",
"I'll have you flogged for this!",
"You got an awful big mouth on you, "+lowranks.sample+". Let's see you wash the floor with it!",
"Insubordination will not be tolerated!",
"You'll hang for this!",
"Out of line!",
"You're out of line!",
"You're out of line, soldier!",
"Out of line, "+lowranks.sample+" "+user+"!",
"You're out of line, "+lowranks.sample+" "+user+"!"
]
}
if param=scancmd(action,["meet","this is","these are",
"let me introduce you to","let me introduce",
"allow me to introduce you to",
"allow me to introduce",
"say hi to","say hello to",
"introduce yourself to"])
param.sub!(/\W*$/,'')
reply [
"pleased","nice","good",
"i'm so happy",
"i'm so glad",
"it's so nice",
"it's so good"
].sample+" to "+[
"meet you",
"get to meet you",
"make your acquaintance"
].sample+", "+param+(rand(2)==0 ? ". "+user+" has told me so much about you" : "")
elsif param=scancmd(action,["good night","night","gnight","g'night","i'm going to bed","going to bed","im going to bed", "bedtime", "time for bed", "it's my bedtime","its my bedtime","nighty-night"])
reply mult(["good night","night","sleep well","sleep tight","i wish you an enjoyable cycle of nocturnal hallucinations", "commencement of dormancy phase acknowledged"], ["", ", "+user, ", pesky flesh-creature", ", human", ", mortal"]).sample
elsif param=scancmd(action,["i don't care","it doesn't matter","don't care","idc","nevermind","never mind","nvm","i don't give a shit","i don't give a fuck", "does it look like i care"])
reply dontcare[formality].sample
elsif param=scancmd(action,["fuck you","fuck off","go fuck yourself","get fucked","fu","get bent","diaf","die in a fire","screw you","you cunt","you bitch","you piece of shit","you scumbag","you sleazeball","you jackass","you asshole","you cockroach"])
reply insults[formality].sample
elsif param=scancmd(action,["thanks","thank you","i appreciate it", "ty", "thx", "obliged", "much obliged","appreciated","danke","gracias","merci","merci beaucoup","shukran","shukran jazeelan","asante","asante sana","arigatou","doumo arigatou", "ありがとう", "どうもありがとう", "どうもありがとうございます","شكران", "شكران جزيلاا"])
reply thankyou[formality].sample
elsif param=scancmd(action,["well done","good work","excellent work","good girl","nicely done","nice job","good job","perfect","you did well","excellent job","you did great","you did perfect","you did perfectly","wonderful","you did good","gj"])
reply goodgirl[formality].sample
elsif param=scancmd(action,["who are you","who do you think you are","who even are you","tell me who you are","tell us who you are","introduce yourself"])
reply whoareyou[formality].sample
elsif greeting==""
if action==""
reply nulls[formality].sample
else
result=perform(action,user)
r=""
if result != nil
result.chomp!
if formality != :friendly
r=affirmatives[formality].sample+" "
result[0] = result[0].upcase
result += "." if not result=~/\W$/
end
reply r+result.chomp
else
reply negatives[formality].sample
end
end
else
if action==""
if formality == :friendly
reply (nulls[:friendly] + [
greeting+" yourself"
]).sample
elsif formality == :formal
r = greeting
r[0]=r[0].upcase
reply r +", " + user + "."
elsif formality == :military
if lowrank
reply [
"You're out of line, "+rank+"!",
"Cut the chatter, soldier!",
"Stow the chit-chat, "+rank+"!",
].sample
else
reply rank+", sir!"
end
end
else
if formality == :military and lowrank
reply negatives[formality].sample
return
end
result=perform(action, user)
r=""
if result != nil
result[0] = result[0].upcase if formality != :friendly
r=affirmatives[formality].sample
result.chomp!
result += "." if not result=~/\W$/
reply r+" "+result
else
reply negatives[formality].sample
end
end
end
end
on :message, /daddy/i do |m|
m.reply "NO DDLG"
end
on :message, /monad/i do |m|
m.reply "NO HASKELL"
end
on :message, /satan/i do |m|
lucy = ["hail satan", "ave satanas", "all glory to the prince of darkness"]
lucy += lucy.map { |x| x.upcase }
m.reply(mult(lucy, ["",".","!","!!","!!1"]).sample)
end
on :message, /there/i do |m|
m.reply ["*they're","*their"].sample if rand(50)==0
end
on :message, /ableis[mt]/i do |m|
m.reply ["stop saying that", "that word is banned",
"that's not a word anymore, sorry", "you don't get to say that anymore", "nope"].sample
m.reply 'if you mean "harmful to disabled people," say that'
end
on :message, /your/i do |m|
m.reply ["*you're","*yore"].sample if rand(50)==0
end
on :online, "velartrill" do |m|
m.reply "ALL RISE"
end
end
bot.start